Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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