my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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