I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I think my vagina is haunted
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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