Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
