We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
