I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
