can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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