I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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