Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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