if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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