My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
