so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize