i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
