I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
