Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
