So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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