you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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