Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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