Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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