I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
