I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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