A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
