im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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