I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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