I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize