someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
