we have pet lesbian snakes
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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