I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
