so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
