watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
