I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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