Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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