I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
