So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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