what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
