if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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