Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I am one with the molecules
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize