she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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