Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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