Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm both gender and math confused
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
