I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
