take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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