I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
