and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
