i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
