part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
