So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
