Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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