She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
