Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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