I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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