She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
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