Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
