We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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