My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
