I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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