Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
