Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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