i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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