Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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