I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
