My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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