i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
